Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
