I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize