if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
