I accidentally had phone sex last night
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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