one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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