Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
