Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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