Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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