I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
