I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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