At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
