Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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