so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
