i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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