Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
