i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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