I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
