My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
