Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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