She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
