I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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