there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
