so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
