i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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