your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
