my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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