im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
