I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
