I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The Olympian is in my bed
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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