is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
