The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
