Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
