not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
