Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize