So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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