eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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