Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
