I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
