tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
