i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
