I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
