are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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