Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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