best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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