i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
