I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
