you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
