Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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