How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
