it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
