The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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