He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
