Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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