People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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