My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
