I wish my penis had an off switch
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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