i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
